How surfing helped me become emotionally intelligent!
In the age of growing uncertainty, we need to manage stress and navigate change effectively. There is a dire need for emotionally-intelligent leaders and teams who know how to manage their own and other’s emotions.
But isn’t it natural for us to resist change and feel upset in situations we cannot deal with or haven’t dealt before?
According to Dr. Davidson, Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at University of Wisconsin, people whose left frontal lobe in the brain is dominant tend to be more positive and embrace “can do” attitude than those with an overactive right frontal lobe, who tend towards passivity and anxiety.
When someone is angry or upset, their right frontal lobe gets activated. By telling them to “calm down”, you are only over-activating the right frontal lobe, thereby making them feel angrier.
Paradoxical, but true! It sets the stage for the very production of those thoughts or anxious feelings that they maybe trying to escape.
If you really want to help them, listen to them empathetically, and find ways to let them reflect on their own feelings. You could possible say “I understand how you feel”, or “You are clearly upset. I am here for you. Let’s talk.”
Stay away from offering unwarranted solutions, because a lot of the time they are coming to you because they just want to express their feelings. Respect the psychological safety they have with you.
The idea is to let them label the emotions.
By doing so, they are allowing the left frontal lobe (where positivity resides, and where language is processed) to get activated. The process of “labeling emotional states with words” reduces anxiety and negative emotions. Once we shift to the left, we can act more constructively towards the situation at hand.
If you are a leader…
Leaders who know how to communicate in emotionally stressful situations can change the way their team thinks and acts towards a goal. By being too direct or blunt, you might hurt the other person. The ability to give high candor, constructive advice is therefore a critical skill for leaders.
Brutal honesty can result in people feeling hurt or demoralized. Aiming for candor — advice that is smaller, targeted, less personal, less judgmental and equally impactful.
A good example: “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.” It sends a clear signal to the unconscious brain that this is a safe place to give effort.
For self-regulation of emotions, 3 simple steps are advised — that are very similar to surfing:
- Step 1 — Mindfully recognize/label emotions (watch the wave)
- Step 2 — Understand emotions (catch the wave)
- Step 3 — Regulate emotions (ride the wave to shore)
For me, practicing these steps has helped me better control my emotional waves and helped me navigate 2 recessions, take on challenging leadership roles in technology, marketing and now people transformation, and achieve goals that I could have never imagined.
Being emotionally intelligent by shifting the way we think about how we think and manage our emotions can lead us to better outcomes. Would love to hear your tips, thoughts and stories on how you’ve leveraged emotions for growth.
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